'Lost' shows the writing on the wall in 'The Substitute' | Lost Numbers Sequence | Lost Numbers Explained | Lost Number Sequence | Lost Twitter

The super short version of tonight's episode of "Lost?" Impossibly good. What, you want something more substantial than that in terms of analysis? Fine. I can give you a few more words. A few thousand more, even. But "The Substitute" was so dense with mythology, so rich in character, and so rife with possibility that even that many words won't cover everything. But I'll do the best I can. Let's hop on the back of the Smokey Bullet Train and see where this ride takes us.

4) In Short

"Show me the way to go home
I'm tired and I want to go to bed
I had a little drink about an hour ago
And it went right to my head..."

8) Sideways Timeline

In a nice suburban neighborhood, John Locke drives up to his home. While trying to lower himself via the electrical ramp from his van, it gets stuck. Damn technology. He tries to roll himself off safely on the lawn, and gets a faceful of dirt for his troubles. To make matters worse, the sprinklers start going off. (What, is Sayid about to play through?)

All of a sudden, who comes out the door? Helen? Helen! My "Lost" heart is happy, and not just because this prediction came true. The pair are living together...and engaged. This is perilously close to fanfic, but I'm so giddy I'm letting it slide. Helen's sick of planning their wedding, and suggests a smaller ceremony: the two of them, her parents and his father. Wait, what? Anthony Cooper's invited? I guess this version of Locke still has both kidneys.

While picking up his scattered laundry outside the bathtub, Helen asks him about his conference in Australia. Conference, you say? Hmm. She finds Jack's business card in his pants, and learns about Dr. Shephard's offer for a free consult. "What are the odds of you just running into a spinal surgeon?" she asks him. About as good as one landing on an Island right when the leader of its indigenous people develops a spinal tumor, I suppose. "Maybe it's destiny," she says, and he tentatively agrees. But his eyes betray skepticism when she walks away.

Locke wheels into his familiar desk job at the box company, where once again he's greeted by Randy Nations. Randy's all smiles as he asks about the conference in Australia, but soon reveals that he knows that Locke skipped the entire event. Locke apologizes and tries to get it classified a vacation week, but Randy's having none of it. Randy fires Locke on the spot, proving that he's a jerk in every timeline.

With his few office possessions in hand, Locke leaves the building only to find another car directly next to his. That car prevents his handicap ramp from coming down. Frustrated, Locke throws his keys, and then starts to hit the adjoining car. When that car's alarm goes off, its owner comes over. It's Hurley! Locke lays into him about his parking job, but soon realizes that he's face to face with the owner of his former company. The two introduce themselves in a friendly manner as Locke confesses that he was just fired by Randy. "Randy Nations?" asks Hurley. "Yea, that guy's a huge douche." No show deploys the word "douche" better than "Lost." Hurley gives Locke a number for a temp agency, and tells him to chin up: things are going to work out.

At the temp agency, the placement officer asks Locke what type of animal he is. But this isn't just any placement officer: it's the woman we "Lost" fans remember as the fake psychic hired by Hurley's father to convince him he wasn't cursed. Oh Sideways Universe, you are so rich and mysterious and force us to look up actors on Lostpedia to keep up with you. Locke's not having the hippie dippie questionnaire, and asks to speak to her manager. Testily, she agrees to do so.

That manager? Rose! Holy crap: Helen AND Rose in the same episode? Is it my birthday? I don't think it's my birthday! She and Locke go over possible job options. He's keen on being a construction site supervisor, a job for which he feels he is not fit. She wants him to look at something more "realistic." When he angrily asks what she would know about a "realistic" job, she confesses that she's terminal with cancer. Oh man, in this timeline too? Sadness. Chastened by the news, and Rose's words about living the life they have left as best they can, Locke seems more willing to accept Rose's suggestions for employment.

Sometime later, Locke's alarm goes off, and boy if it doesn't sound like the warning signal for the Swan station when the button doesn't get pushed in time. That alarm clock must have been built in one of Widmore's factories. He drags his unwilling body out of bed, and tries to go about his morning routine. But his heart's just not in it. Finding Jack's card, he dials it, only to hang up almost instantly. Helen overhears him talking on the phone, however, and he confesses that he was calling Jack's office. He also confesses that he got fired just as an Oceanic employee shows up with Locke's lost luggage. OK, It's about to get misty in here. Strap in.

Locke tells Helen that he lied about the conference, and asks her to open the case that just arrived. Inside are the familiar batch of knives that proved so useful in the other timeline. He tells her about the walkabout, and that they forbade him from going on it. "I'm sick of imagining what my life would be like out of this chair, Helen. What it would be like to walk down the aisle with you. 'Cuz it's not gonna happen. So if you need me to see more doctors, to have more consults, to get out of this chair...I don't blame you. But I don't want you to spend your life waiting for a miracle, Helen. Because there's no...such...thing." (OK, kids: your assignment is to compare and contrast this speech with the one he gave Jack above the Orchid, where he described the Island as a place where miracles happen. Go!)

Helen, wearing her "Peace & Karma" long-sleeved T-shirt, bends down to meet John's line of sight. "There are miracles, John. And the only thing I was ever waiting for was you." She tears up Jack's card, and kisses him. OK, I should be annoyed that she just delayed Locke's eventual rendezvous with Jack, but I'm too busy crying. Stop looking at me that way. Yes, I cried at "The Notebook" as well, thanks for asking! Oh, you didn't ask? Nevermind. Moving on.

Later on, Locke is coaching a high school girl's volleyball team. Apparently Rose thinks that's realistic. Seems he's teaching biology, which will make his high school guidance counselor from the other timeline extremely pleased. As he wheels along the outside of the school, he grabs an African-American student by the arm and asks him where the faculty lounge is. Damn you, "Lost," for making me think for a split second that was Walt. Locke arrives at the lounge, and...wait, is this the faculty lounge or New Otherton? Because that looks like Harper doing the crossword puzzle. And that dorky guy going on and on about changing coffee filters? Benjamin Freakin' Linus. My mind, so 'splodey. Let's move to the Island and see if things are less mind-bended and show-altering there.

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